Five Things I've Learned From My (Lack of) Experience in Dating

1. Clean your ears

I learned this one the hard way. There was nothing more embarrassing than when the guy I was dating stuck his finger in my ear to tease me and remarked in the most disgusted way, “Damn you should clean your ears once in awhile.” Even the thought that he got some gnarly ear wax makes me cringe. I never felt more gross and unhygienic in my life - I just hope to dear God that this was not a contributing factor to the relationship ending (although I fear it may have been). In my defense, I had always swam year round up to that point and so cleaning my ears was not a priority since my ears were cleaned every day when submerged in water for two hours at practice. I also blame being Asian - it's probably because I'm Asian, right? But nonetheless, clean your ears or else you’ll end up embarrassed feeling really gross when your significant other decides to stick his/her finger unexpectedly in your ear. (I now clean my ears every day. Thanks, ex).

2. Kissing in the rain is not like in the movies

We all imagine ourselves as the main characters in iconic movie scenes. Like, Breakfast at Tiffany’s when Cat goes missing in the rain and Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck go looking for him and romantically kiss in the alley ending up happily ever after. Yeah, scenes like that are not as romantic in real life. I tried my share of recreating movie scenes or "cool" things every couple should try like kissing romantically in the rain. It sucks. You just become grossly wet and moppy as the rain downpours until you can't see even if you tried. On top of that you now have to balance the rain in your mouth with his/her mouth moving. No, try it once if you wish, but it’ll never be as awesome as it is in movies. I bet even Hilary Duff and Chad Michael Murray in A Cinderella Story had a rough time with that oh so glamourous kiss at the very end - mark my word. Plus, your shoes get all wet and there's nothing worse than walking back to your car/house with gross damp feet.

3. It’s best to avoid liking his/her siblings at all costs

At least try to….or just don’t meet them at all until you really have to. When you break up, you break up with not only the guy/girl but with his family. It becomes slightly awkward running into your ex’s family because they don’t actually have any connection to you whatsoever anymore. Like, do I still say hi to them when I see them? Do I still like their Instagram photos and/or their new profile picture on Facebook? I thought one of my ex’s brother was (is?) so cute that I stored a million photos of him on my phone. As someone who rarely deletes photos, it’s just now weird to think that I photos of a four year old boy to whom I don’t speak and never will on my phone. Creepier still that some of them are photos that he took of himself on his iPad (What four year old has an iPad, first of all?!) that I sent to myself. Think of it, I should probably delete those pictures now. Anyway, my point is, don’t like the siblings of anyone you’re dating until you’re legit about to marry them...or at least try not to. The breakup will be lots cleaner, I promise.

(But I admit: let’s be real. It’s still going to happen.)

4. Keep your favorite song a secret

If you’re like me and make lists of your favorite songs, don’t share your top five to someone you’re dating until it gets pretty legit. I shared my #3 favorite song to someone I was dating and now every time I hear that song, a little part of me cries because it’s ever so slightly tainted with the thought of him and that is just not ok. Do I want to be dancing in the moonlight with his face popping up every time? NO, not really.

5. Drunk snapchatting/texting is the worst

UGH. I have been the biggest offender of drunk snapchatting and texting my exes. It has turned into such a problem that I downloaded some dumb ap on my phone called, “Drunkmode” that is supposed to keep me from texting any person I don’t want to by “deleting” their number for 24 hours. It doesn’t work - fuck the $1.99 I spent on that. (But actually, that’s how desperate I was to stop my drunk communications). The mornings after I went out/drank were awful - to look through my texts from the night before and just see blue on blue on blue (sorry, non-iPhone users, but basically it means I did not get any replies) of just me saying the most ridiculous things still makes me want to cry. Worst occasion on New Years Eve when I drunk texted a kid I had a crush on, stating that I had feelings for him and that I hoped he had feelings for me. Well, first off I addressed him as George - his name is not George. Then I attempted to correct that mistake and said and as a direct quote, “/Jake.” No, his name is also NOT Jake. Needless to say, I got over that kid quite quickly after that. Yeah, so basically turn your phone off and put it away. If you’re anything like me, you’ll definitely regret anything you say whilst drunk.


Basically, the conclusion is: don't date. Because when you don't date, you have no problems.

the Awkward, the Innocent, the Amusement, the First

The Guys of High School Past 

The topic of today's fro-yo date with my best friends as the classy young adults we are. 

The Awkward

This is the first guy  to notice that I'm more than academics and a horrendous bob haircut, all beginning with some childish flirting in pre-calculus. The relationship progresses when I found out we both have sixth free and soon enough,  I'm his girl, defined romantically when we start to play "Words with Friends" exclusively and sitting with him and his other friends in the library. By April, I'm his main girl when he asks me to the Semi two days before the dance. The semi is a reminder of his awkwardness, supported by a tie that is far too short for him, him ditching me at the dance, and his mom driving us home from the diner that all the high schoolers flood toward after school dances - good times. We continue this great relationship into Junior year, resulting in us going to Junior Prom together. He ups his love game by asking me somewhat more eloquently to go with him, making me think that things will be smoother and less awkward this dance around. But when I try to make conversation in the car ride there by saying, "I love this song" to what is playing on the radio and receiving "doubt it" in response, I know the hopes of a successful night are slim to none. With no surprise, we part ways at the dance and to where he goes I will never know. Junior Prom then consists of me asking people, "Where is my date?!" and doing the cha-cha slide. Can I get a what-what for an awesome time? Since then, we have laughed about these memories and remained friends, continuing to form more awkward and hilarious memories. 

What I have learned... 

Embrace the awkwardness that comes with every first failed high school relationship. Also that  just because you find a cricket in your bathtub fairly disgusting and worthy of sharing, your boy of interest may not think so and may then choose to ignore that text. Moreover, most boys have no idea how to dress until college (if even then) and will choose to wear sweatpants to school no matter how ugly those elastic cords are. 

The Innocent

This is the first guy I label as my "boyfriend." We spend a lot of time watching t.v... like a lot of time. We go to Subway often for some hoagies and make a ton of chocolate brownies - cue romantic music here. Oh, we also hack each others' Facebooks and make silly comments like, "poop" on photos. Kissing is at a minimum and our biggest date is to the beach for the day - such grownups we are. The breakup is innocent and awkward as ever and after 1-2 months of innocent fun, we move on to bigger things...like Senior year. 

What I have learned...
Just because you think someone is cute, doesn't mean great conversation comes with the package. That's pretty much it. Also, the owners of Subway don't like it when you stay in their shop when they're trying to close up. Just because you've just been broken up doesn't mean they won't still yell at you - they're merciless. 

The Amusement

After being on such a great "high" from the last relationship, I am ready for the next big thing. Enter, the guy who ends up being the biggest regret in terms of relationships in my life. When I'm asked out, I reply, "Sure, thanks!" What was I thanking him for... liking me? Right, smooth. Bring out those glasses and cheers to my clearly great start to a great relationship. Weeks, perhaps four, pass and I'm ready to get out of it. There's nothing wrong with the boy, but there just is nothing there. Well, at least it was fun while it lasted - the thrill of the hunt!

What I have learned...

No stage-five clingers allowed. When you break up with a guy after only several weeks, he'll hate you for the rest of the year until New Years Eve after a semester in college when he cheers you on while you puke your guts. Then, all is forgiven and put to the past. 

The First

This is the guy who becomes my first love, some may say. He sits two tables away from me in Calculus the majority of the year with his head buried in his work, quietly muttering "shut up" whenever I attempt to have a conversation with the teacher. Until April, he's pretty irrelevant and I only see him as the awkward gangly Junior who tries just a little too hard in life, including gym class. But a college trip to UNC, lengthy text conversations, and hundreds of snapchats later, feelings get real, albeit I'm still caught up with prom drama and another guy. His first text hinting at how he feels consists of some John Mayer reference, as true to his character as can possible be, and makes me reevaluate our friendship... and the ball gets rolling. For the sake my sanity and my privacy, I'll keep details to the bare minimum. The next two months are intense and as cliche as any high school relationship can be with kisses plenty. After a great time, we separate when he leaves for summer courses at a university all the way across the country. Summer distances us and I then leave for college, putting our relationship officially in the past. 

What I have learned...

The next guy I date has to be capable of helping me with my homework. No matter how much effort is taken to distance yourself from a guy - be it physically and emotionally- feelings will remain as long as they wish with no rhyme or reason, despite your desire to suppress them. Love is never logical or timely, and if one of these two - timing and passion- are lacking, the relationship is doomed. I lacked timing, and perhaps he lacked passion, but regardless fate did not believe in us. The cliche holds true that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Life is hard. And last but not least, good things come when you least expect it.