Five Things I've Learned From My (Lack of) Experience in Dating

1. Clean your ears

I learned this one the hard way. There was nothing more embarrassing than when the guy I was dating stuck his finger in my ear to tease me and remarked in the most disgusted way, “Damn you should clean your ears once in awhile.” Even the thought that he got some gnarly ear wax makes me cringe. I never felt more gross and unhygienic in my life - I just hope to dear God that this was not a contributing factor to the relationship ending (although I fear it may have been). In my defense, I had always swam year round up to that point and so cleaning my ears was not a priority since my ears were cleaned every day when submerged in water for two hours at practice. I also blame being Asian - it's probably because I'm Asian, right? But nonetheless, clean your ears or else you’ll end up embarrassed feeling really gross when your significant other decides to stick his/her finger unexpectedly in your ear. (I now clean my ears every day. Thanks, ex).

2. Kissing in the rain is not like in the movies

We all imagine ourselves as the main characters in iconic movie scenes. Like, Breakfast at Tiffany’s when Cat goes missing in the rain and Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck go looking for him and romantically kiss in the alley ending up happily ever after. Yeah, scenes like that are not as romantic in real life. I tried my share of recreating movie scenes or "cool" things every couple should try like kissing romantically in the rain. It sucks. You just become grossly wet and moppy as the rain downpours until you can't see even if you tried. On top of that you now have to balance the rain in your mouth with his/her mouth moving. No, try it once if you wish, but it’ll never be as awesome as it is in movies. I bet even Hilary Duff and Chad Michael Murray in A Cinderella Story had a rough time with that oh so glamourous kiss at the very end - mark my word. Plus, your shoes get all wet and there's nothing worse than walking back to your car/house with gross damp feet.

3. It’s best to avoid liking his/her siblings at all costs

At least try to….or just don’t meet them at all until you really have to. When you break up, you break up with not only the guy/girl but with his family. It becomes slightly awkward running into your ex’s family because they don’t actually have any connection to you whatsoever anymore. Like, do I still say hi to them when I see them? Do I still like their Instagram photos and/or their new profile picture on Facebook? I thought one of my ex’s brother was (is?) so cute that I stored a million photos of him on my phone. As someone who rarely deletes photos, it’s just now weird to think that I photos of a four year old boy to whom I don’t speak and never will on my phone. Creepier still that some of them are photos that he took of himself on his iPad (What four year old has an iPad, first of all?!) that I sent to myself. Think of it, I should probably delete those pictures now. Anyway, my point is, don’t like the siblings of anyone you’re dating until you’re legit about to marry them...or at least try not to. The breakup will be lots cleaner, I promise.

(But I admit: let’s be real. It’s still going to happen.)

4. Keep your favorite song a secret

If you’re like me and make lists of your favorite songs, don’t share your top five to someone you’re dating until it gets pretty legit. I shared my #3 favorite song to someone I was dating and now every time I hear that song, a little part of me cries because it’s ever so slightly tainted with the thought of him and that is just not ok. Do I want to be dancing in the moonlight with his face popping up every time? NO, not really.

5. Drunk snapchatting/texting is the worst

UGH. I have been the biggest offender of drunk snapchatting and texting my exes. It has turned into such a problem that I downloaded some dumb ap on my phone called, “Drunkmode” that is supposed to keep me from texting any person I don’t want to by “deleting” their number for 24 hours. It doesn’t work - fuck the $1.99 I spent on that. (But actually, that’s how desperate I was to stop my drunk communications). The mornings after I went out/drank were awful - to look through my texts from the night before and just see blue on blue on blue (sorry, non-iPhone users, but basically it means I did not get any replies) of just me saying the most ridiculous things still makes me want to cry. Worst occasion on New Years Eve when I drunk texted a kid I had a crush on, stating that I had feelings for him and that I hoped he had feelings for me. Well, first off I addressed him as George - his name is not George. Then I attempted to correct that mistake and said and as a direct quote, “/Jake.” No, his name is also NOT Jake. Needless to say, I got over that kid quite quickly after that. Yeah, so basically turn your phone off and put it away. If you’re anything like me, you’ll definitely regret anything you say whilst drunk.


Basically, the conclusion is: don't date. Because when you don't date, you have no problems.